Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
