Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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