she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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