I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
ok first of all what the fuck
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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