you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Randomize
