Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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