ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Mom said you looked used
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
