did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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