The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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