I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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