it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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