and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
