Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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