I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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