I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
