I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
