Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
