I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
