i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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