sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
