If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
