How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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