It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
