Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
