i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he was CRYING into my vagina
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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