Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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