A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
