If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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