He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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