So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
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His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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