if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
