I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
