Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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