In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
