break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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