so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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