I feel great
I just peed on a car
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I believe in your delicious
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
