It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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