My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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