just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
