and i looked up. we had an audience...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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