So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
