my soul wont recognize me after tonight
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
