I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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