I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
