we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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