You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
