I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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