wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
