smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
