Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
