I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
