What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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