someone get that fucking seahorse.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
