So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
