What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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