Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
