I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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